Miscellaneous Jokes

We all know where the big apple is. But does anyone know where the . . .

Minneapolis?

Tip: Be sure to articulate “Minneapolis” so that it sounds equally like the city name and like “mini apple is”

Q: What did the father tell his boy when asked if they were pyromaniacs?

A: Yes, we ar-son!

Tip: Be sure to articulate the two syllables of “arson” individually, so that it sounds equally like “arson” as “are, son.”

Q: What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?

A: It’s having a meltdown.

Did you know you can go to jail for staying up past your bedtime (or skipping a nap)?

You’d get charged with resisting a rest.

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

Explanation: This is made to sound like the common expression, “No pun intended.”

You know what they say about cliffhangers…

[Just look away and stop talking]

People will likely sit there waiting for the “punchline”, until enough silence goes by that they realize that your sudden aloofness is the punchline.

Q: What do you call a priest who sleepwalks?

A: A roamin’ Catholic.

Tip: Emphasize the word “roamin’“.

Q: What do you call a poor Santa Claus?

A: St. Nickel-less.

Q: When is a joke a dad joke?

A: When the punchline becomes apparent.

Tip: Be sure to articulate the two parts of “apparent” individually, so that it sounds equally like “apparent” as “a parent.”

There are two types of people in the world.

Those with a short attention span and, look over there… it’s a plane!

Someone stole my mood ring.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Did you hear about those two guys who got caught stealing a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

Q: What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

A: The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Q: How do you look for Will Smith in the snow?

A: Just follow the fresh prints.

Explanation: Will Smith is the titular protagonist of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Two windmills are standing on a wind farm.

One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”

The other replies, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Santa Claus never pays for parking.

Because for him parking is always on the house.

I used to think I was indecisive,

but now I’m not too sure.

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?

A: Two’s company, three’s a cloud.

Explanation: The phrase “two is company, three is a crowd” is quoted when two people want to be alone together and the presence of a third person stops that from happening.

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?

A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What do you call a musician with problems?

A: A trebled man.

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

A: Because he always has a great fall.

Q: Why did the robber wash his clothes before he ran away with the loot?

A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.

Q: Why do ghosts love elevators?

A: It lifts their spirits.

Two men are on opposite sides of the river.

The first man shouts, “How do I get to the other side of the river?”

The other man yells, “You ARE on the other side of the river.”

Q: Why are ghosts terrible liars?

A: Because you can see right through them.

Q: Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?

A: Well, time will tell.

Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?

A: They don't have the guts.

Q: Why did the duck get arrested?

A: He got caught selling quack.

Tip: Be sure to articulate the pronunciation of quack so that it sounds a bit more like crack.

Q: Why did the taxi driver get fired?

A: Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile.

I love elevator jokes.

They lift me up when I'm down.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian."

Well nobody's laughing now.

I like older people because they've gotten used to life's disappointments.

Which means they're ready for me.

Q: Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A: No, but it makes my mouth water.

Explanation: Ivan Pavlov was a Russian psychologist and experimental neurologist who conditioned dogs to salivate when he rang a bell.

Read more about him here.

couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt.

Then it clicked.

Why did the weatherman break up with his girlfriend?

It was too stormy of a relationship.

Q: Why do they hang car fresheners in airplanes?

A: They really help with descent.

Tip: Be sure to articulate the two syllables of descent, so that it sounds somewhat closer to the words "the scent".

Q: Why is the Grinch such a good gardener?

A: He has a green thumb.

Explanation: A "green thumb" refers to someone who is skilled at gardening.

Q: Who is Santa’s favorite singer?

A: Beyon-sleigh.

Tip: Be sure to carefully pronounce the words Beyon-sleigh so that it sounds a bit more like Beyoncé.

Beyoncé is an American singer, songwriter, and businesswoman, who has been widely recognized for her boundary-pushing artistry and vocal performances.

Q: How do ghosts stay in shape?

A: By exorcising.

Tip: Be sure to carefully articulate "exorcising" to make it sound slightly different from "exercising."

6:30 is the best time of day.

Hands down.

Explanation: On an analog clock, when both "hands" are down, the time is 6:30.

Q: Did you know Karl Marx had a sister who invented the starting pistol?

A: Onya. Onya Marx.

Explanation: Often at the beginning of a race, you will hear "on your mark, get set, go!"

The word "mark" refers to the place on the running course where the runner starts the race.

A blonde walks into a library and says in a loud voice, “I want a cheeseburger and fries please.”

The librarian leans forward and quietly tells the blonde “This is a library miss.”

The blonde replies “Oh sorry.” and whispers “I want a cheeseburger and fries please.”