Science, Medicine & Therapy Jokes

Q: What’s a four letter word you never want to hear a doctor say during surgery?

A: Oops.

My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.

I’ve done that, but now what do I do with the letters?

I gave all my dead batteries away.

Free of charge.

Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

A: Because they make up everything.

Be careful when you bring up the topic of global warming.

It’s a very heated topic.

70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated.

So the earth is, in fact, flat.

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

“After 12 years of therapy, my shrink said something that brought tears to my eyes.”

“What did he say?”

“‘No hablo inglés.’” [I don’t speak English]

Explanation: By saying “no hablo inglés,” the therapist is implying that they did not understand anything that was said in the past 12 years of therapy.

People are so into plastic surgery nowadays.

I mean you mention botox… and no one even raises an eyebrow.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge.

We’ll see about that.

Tip: Say the punchline while punching into the palm of your hand, in a gesture that conveys “I’ll show him!”

A photon checks into a hotel, and the bellhop asks if he has any luggage.

The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

Explanation: In physics, a photon is a particle of light, which moves at the speed of light.

Q: How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

I tell chemistry jokes periodically.

Think I’m gonna stop? I don’t zinc so.

I’m gonna keep going until I get a reaction.

I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head.

He said, “Tell me more.”

Explanation: There is a popular scene in the movie Grease where John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John sing a song called Summer Nights.

“Tell me more, tell me more…” is a part of the song’s chorus.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it costs for a beer.

The bartender replies, “For you, my friend, no charge.”

Explanation: Unlike protons and electrons, neutrons have no positive or negative charge.

You: knock knock

Them: Who’s there?

You: HIPAA.

Them: HIPAA who?

You: …I can’t tell you…

Explanation: The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA) is a federal law that required the creation of national standards to protect sensitive patient health information from being disclosed without the patient’s consent or knowledge.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk.

The result was staggering.

There are two types of people in this world: Those who like a good sense of closure, and…

[Just look away and stop talking]

Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.

He said they all look that way, and I should have left him in the garden.

I told my therapist I feel like I’ve been hearing the Backstreet Boys EVERYWHERE.

And she said “Tell me why.”

Explanation: This joke references a popular Backstreet Boys song, in which they sang “Tell me why /
Ain’t nothin’ but a heartache / Tell me why / Ain’t nothin’ but a mistake / Tell me why / I never wanna hear you say / I want it that way.”

Q: What do biologists wear to work on Casual Friday?

A: Genes.

Did you know you can hear the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely.

Tip: Pronounce varicosely in a somewhat sly way, so that it sounds more like very closely.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

Explanation: A Freudian slip refers to an error in communication or memory that Freud believed reveals desires and urges from your unconscious mind.

This joke plays on the trope that people blame all their psychological issues on their mother.

Q: Why did the acid go to the gym?

A: To become a buffer solution!

Explanation: A "buffer solution" is a chemistry term for a solution that resists changes in pH when acid or alkali is added to it.

Meanwhile, "buff" is slang for "muscular."

My psychiatrist’s Rorschach ink-blot tests are so stupid.

They’re just pictures of my parents fighting.

Explanation: The Rorschach test is a projective psychological test in which subjects' perceptions of inkblots are recorded and then analyzed using psychological interpretation.

This joke is funny because the teller acts so naive that s/he believes the inkblots are so obviously their parents fighting (and is thus presumably deeply disturbed by it).

Q: What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?

A: Go straight for the juggler.

Tip: Be sure to articulate the distinct sounds of juggler so that it sounds a bit more like jugular.

Jugular veins refer to any of several large veins in the neck that carry blood from the head and face.

They are a common target by assassins when going in for the kill.

My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Do you know what phlegm is?

Well, you may think it's funny, but it's snot.

“Doctor, there’s a man here to see you who thinks he’s invisible."

“Tell him I can’t see him right now.”

Q: Why did the noble gas cry?

A: Because all his friends argon.

Tip: Be sure to pronounce "are gone" slowly and make it sound like the element "argon."

I bought some expensive laxatives from my pharmacy…

They gave me a good run for my money!